"There's a war going on outside we ain't safe from..."

Wisdom can be found in many places.

In the wake of the shootings at a movie theater in Aurora, CO today, I've discovered strange wisdom in many places I wouldn't have thought to look at first - from Kanye West (whose lyrics in "Murder to Excellence" are quoted in the title of this post), to Marilyn Manson, to friends whose opinions I thought I had pegged, but who continue to surprise and enlighten me.

This morning, some asshole whose name doesn't deserve mention took it upon himself to walk into a movie theater full of Batman fans and start shooting.  The news media was abuzz this morning when I woke up, as were the social networking channels I subscribe to.  Because this is close to home for me - both geographically, and because I was in high school in Colorado when Erik Harris and Dylan Klebold shot up Columbine in 1999 - I immediately went to Facebook to figure out if my friends and family were okay.

Fortunately, the human species still reacts with shock and sympathy in times like these, but shock and sympathy alone have yet to yield any tangible benefits to our society when it comes to gun violence.  It is not my intention to belittle the feelings of pain, sorrow, empathy, and collective loss that underlie these well-wishes, but well-wishes mean absolutely nothing if we are not willing to look at the root causes of violence in our society, and engage, sometimes ferociously, in debate about what to do to fix these problems.  Don't even get me started on "prayers..." THAT shit shows real detachment to me, as if solving problems was as simple as asking the clouds for help.  Go ahead and pray if you want, but unless you are willing to pray AND write letters to your political leaders AND give blood to support the victims stuck in the hospital AND donate money to causes working to stem the tide of gun violence in the United States, then your prayers mean exactly zip.  That's how I feel, and I won't apologize for it.

So, what do we do do with our collective shock if shock is not enough?  We debate.  We talk.  We challenge ourselves to think about the aspects of these tragedies that are uncomfortable - the fact that it could have been any one of us in that theater that night, that this kind of thing SHOULD have been prevented, and that we really are NOT safe from gun violence here in the United States no matter how much we like to fool ourselves into believing that this sort of thing "would never happen in my neighborhood."  That is, until it does happen.  And then, for reasons that are well-meaning, but symptomatic of a much larger problem, we are "shocked."

We should not be shocked that this kind of violence continues to occur in our society.  We should, however, be disgusted in ourselves that we have allowed this kind of thing to happen before, and will most likely allow this kind of thing to happen again in the future.

The following lyrics are Kanye West's from the song "Murder to Excellence," off the album Watch the Throne, the Jay Z and Kanye West collaboration album.  Like I said in the beginning, wisdom can come from almost anywhere.

And I’m from the murder capital where they murder for capital
Heard about at least three killings this afternoon
Looking at the news like "damn! I was just with him after school"
No shop class but half the school got a tool
And a "I could die any day"-type attitude
Plus his little brother got shot repping his avenue
It’s time for us to stop and redefine black power
41 souls murdered in fifty hours

Is it genocide?
Cause I can still hear his mama cry
Know the family traumatized
Shots left holes in his face about piranha-sized
The old pastor closed the cold casket
And said the church ain’t got enough room for all the tombs
It’s a war going on outside we ain’t safe from
I feel the pain in my city wherever I go
314 soldiers died in Iraq, 509 died in Chicago

I like this song for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that I have a soft spot for hip hop music, which tends to be the only genre of music left whose mainstream is still unapologetically angry, where as as mainstream rock has gone completely soft in this regard.  But there are two aspects of these lyrics in particular that I think are relevant to the greater debate on how to prevent violence in our society.

First, although Jay and 'Ye were talking specifically about the prevalence of "black on black murder" (another line from the song, the hook, actually), it is time for ALL of us to stop and redefine what it means to have power, or to be in power, and in particular how we choose to exercise our power over others.  Guns, in our society, are a symbol of power.  If you have a gun, you can protect your family, you can contribute to a well-armed citizen's militia, should the need for one arise, and better yet, you might even be able to take matters into your own hands, as recently happened when George Zimmerman gunned down Treyvon Martin for no other reason than that Mr. Zimmerman fealt threatened by this African American male with his hoodie sweatshirt pulled up over his head.  This is our current definition of power, one perpetuated (I almost can't believe I'm saying this) by the frequency of violence on television, in movies, and on the Internet.  The archetype for power that we aspire to is far closer to Jack Bauer than it is to Nelson Mandela.

But let me clarify.  I would never claim that TV is responsible for kids killing kids.  Chances are that millions of viewers tune in to watch Dexter, but it's not as though there are millions of knife-wielding vigilantes out there taking the law in there own hands.  Taking up arms to destroy a fellow human being is a personal choice, one that can only be owned by the person engaging in the acts of violence.  Marilyn Manson is no more responsible for the shootings at Columbine than Batman is for the shootings today in Aurora.

(Click the link, it will take you to an essay Manson wrote in 1999 responding to the Columbine shooting, and his supposed role in it.  It is as relevant today as it was back then - more wisdom.)

However, we have grown complacent in our acceptance of gun violence if all we can do is be shocked, then change the channel, or worse yet, be shocked then find a convenient scapegoat.  The fact of the matter is that this kind of gun violence happens way more often than we are willing to admit, and every time it happens, we agonize for a day or two, saying things like "we'll never forget," and then promptly forgetting until the next time some armed gunman walks into a public place and starts shooting.  It is time for us to stop and redefine power, and to redefine our role models.  Not that we should adopt Jay Z and Kanye West as the standard, but like I said, wisdom can come from anywhere.



Second, the numbers stuck out to me, and made me curious.  "314 soldiers died in Iraq, 509 died in Chicago."  Could it be true?  I did some research.

As of May 29th, 2012, there have been 4409 US Armed Forces members killed in the line of duty in Iraq since the beginning of the war.


As of July 9th, 2012, there have been 2021 US Armed Forces members killed in the war in Afghanistan.

In the year 2010 alone, there were 12,996 murders committed in the United States.  Of those, 8775 were committed using firearms.  This number is actually down from the number of murders that occurred in each of the five years previous to 2010.  The FBI confirms these numbers.

That means that in 2010, there were 2345 more gun murders in the United States than there have been US deaths in both Iraq and Afghanistan combined since the beginning of each war.  We are killing each other faster here in the United States than our supposed enemies are able to kill us in two wars overseas.

Turns out "Murder to Excellence" was right (although the numbers and the exact context differ somewhat) - there IS a war going on outside we ain't safe from, and it's the war we are waging on ourselves, using guns as our primary vehicle for violence. 

And yet, despite the data (another source of wisdom), we are still shocked when gun violence happens.

Even more surprising is that despite our perpetual shock, gun violence has not been seriously discussed in politics since Bill Clinton was in office.  More over, a simple Google search for "school shootings" reveals that this kind of violence happens all the time in our society.  Here are some examples of the tragedies we will "never forget."

• 1992–1993: 55 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 1993–1994: 51 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 1994–1995: 20 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 1995–1996: 35 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 1996–1997: 25 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 1997–1998: 40 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 1998–1999: 25 Deaths from school shootings in the U.S.
• 1999–2000: 25 Deaths from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2000–2001: 19 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2001–2002: 4 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2002–2003: 14 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2003–2004: 29 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2004–2005: 20 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2005–2006: 5 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2006–2007: 38 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2007–2008: 3 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2008–2009: 10 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2009–2010: 5 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2010-2011: 12 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.
• 2011-2012: 11 Deaths resulting from school shootings in the U.S.

 (I copied these data from this Wikipedia page.  I also checked the National School Safety Center for confirmation.  These numbers seem accurate, if terrifying.)

In any rational society, we would see this data as wisdom - indications of deep problems, problems that cannot be solved by legal means alone, or by bandying around the 2nd amendment.  We need a paradigm shift, and we need one fast.  I spent the morning (among other things) debating gun control online via Facebook, with those who were willing to do more than just be sad about what happened, and was simultaneously appalled and inspired by the exchanges.  Dialogue is how difficult issues get sorted out, but it also reveals a set of frightening ideologies that, in my opinion, are directly responsible for the data above.

"You're never going to keep guns out of the hands of criminals.  They will always find a way to get guns." 

This is nothing but an excuse for doing nothing, and is most often voiced by those who think "gun control" means taking away legally acquired firearms from responsible adults.  You might as well say that we'll never be able to keep husbands from beating their wives or children, so we might as well quite trying.  The analogy reveals the absurdity of this argument.

"People will find a way.  If we take away their guns, they will just find other ways to kill people."

This is another excuse.  It assumes, falsely I am convinced, that people murdering people is unavoidable, that these things just happen, by one way or another.  Plus, it ignores the real issue, which is the prevalence of violence in our society.  But it is no coincidence that a lot of that violence is committed with guns.

Guns are a major tool for committing acts of violence, the single greatest contributor to violence in our society, but I will be the first to admit that there are many other confounding factors that may lead one person to kill another.  That's why we must see "gun control" as more than just legally regulating guns.  Just as medicine is more than just prescribing drugs, gun control must include more than just writing and enforcing laws.  Laws a a big part of it, but a complete paradigm shift would acknowledge the other contributing factors to violence as well, and work to solve all of them as part of the same problem, rather than treating things like violence, poverty, mental illness, apathy, and access to guns as separate issues. 

"It's in the Constitution."

True, the second amendment gives citizens the right to bare arms, but as with the Bible, when we take a document created by humans and cite it as a source of ultimate authority, we are in for a world of trouble, not to mention apologism for everything from abortion clinic bombings, to the subjugation of women, to the shooting of almost 70 people in a crowded theater.  Using "it's in the Constitution" as an excuse not to look critically at issues of gun violence, and what we can do to stop it, is probably exactly the opposite of what the founders intended, for whatever the opinions of the Constitutional Convention are worth (more wisdom, perhaps?), because we amend the constitution all the time!  It took us only a little over a decade to create the 18th amendment, then repeal it in the 21st amendment, but gun violence has been tolerated in our society for hundreds of years!  Since this kind of appalling double standard definitely warrants swearing: What The Fuck?!?!  I'm not advocating for the repeal of the 2nd amendment, but the fact that our right to drink alcohol seems to take precedent over our right to not be shot at is, once again, despicable.

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, and therefore have no rights to comment on the issue of gun rights."

Ah, my favorite, and the most offensive justification for pretty much anything you could name.  It's the calling card of the ideologue - those people so set in their ways they can never even consider the possibility that there is more to the story than they already know.  I get this one thrown at me all the time, usually by people who don't know me personally, and who get aggravated by the fact that I address each and every one of their points systematically, and with supporting evidence.  Sometimes, friends and family members throw this one at me too, and that can be hard to stomach, especially when I really do know what I am talking about.  I am ashamed to say that on more than one occasion I have lashed out at a friend for dropping "you don't know what you're talking about," and I've ruined more than one friendship this way (I may have ruined some today), but here's the thing, the thing that makes me keep coming back to the debate rather than cave to "you don't know what you are talking about..."

People who are scholars, and not ideologues, people who are committed to the dialogue, and the positive benefits difficult conversations have, these people will never tell you "you don't know what you are talking about," they will try to teach you as well as listen to you, they too will cite data and evidence to back their points, and they may even be willing to look for the common ground that actually lays between you, and to cede that certain arguments against them are in fact good arguments.  These are the people we need to turn to for their opinions because their opinions ARE malleable given adequate cause to reexamine them.  And these people bring a great deal of wisdom to the table, because ultimately their challenges to your assumptions are what cause you yourself to grow as a person.

But there is no such dialogue talking place in Washington regarding gun violence, at least, not at the levels such a conversation most needs to occur.  So far, neither major presidential candidate has expressed a significant opinion on gun control.  Ron Paul has, but he wants everyone to have guns, making him a BIG part of the problem, and earning him a share of the blame for the tragedies that happened today in Colorado.  Talking about gun issues is politically toxic, which is why no one has since Clinton.  There is big money to be made by catering to the gun lobby, and tacit support at the very least in return for remaining mute on the subject of gun violence.  More than that, gun owners (caveat: in my experience), are generally the kind of people who vote strictly based on a candidates opinion on gun control.  So rather than risk losing voters, who may turn their back on you at the very mention of gun control, it's safer just not to talk about guns and gun-related violence.

This toxicity has spread to the public, which is why we are content to be shocked periodically when gun violence strikes close to home, and who are content to simply pray for the victims rather than insist that steps be taken to ensure that there are no more victims in the future.  

Until we are willing to demand the kind of changes that might have prevented it, this kind of violence will continue to happen year after year after year, shocking us periodically as we pause to watch the news during a commercial break from the latest episode of Breaking Bad.

Bearing Arms - The Madman's Militia

Despite rumors to the contrary, vigilantism against suspicious, tea-weilding black kids in hoodie sweatshirts IS against the law! This is good news, because for a while there, I had to turn down the hip-hop music in my car for fear of getting shot by some neighborhood watchman with a boner for street justice.  The state of Florida is charging George Zimmerman with 2nd degree murder for the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, the toughest charge possible without premeditation. Is that too strong a charge? I don't think so. Say what you want about using the law to send a message, but it cannot become anything even resembling okay for the average gun-toting citizen to go around killing people with nothing more than a gut feeling. This can't be what the average gun-toting citizen wants, can it?

More Americans than we would like to admit are racist assholes too. As for Zimmerman, it would appear that the scary black kid in a hoodie sweatshirt was too much for him to cope with, so much of a threat that he decided to tail him, confront him, and fatally shoot him despite numerous police warnings not to go anywhere near the guy. Something about that smells racist and malicious to me, and although I do know that George Zimmerman is a piece of shit, I have no idea whether he was acting based on conscious feeling of malice toward black people or not.

However, the way that the whole situation was "handled" has been ... well, fucked up.  First, there wasn't enough evidence to charge anyone, despite the fact that one guy was dead and it was perfectly clear who had done it.  But it was a black kid who got shot, so the story about Trayvon Martin being a threat and a menace seemed reasonable to the authorities.  Then, lo!  Martin might have had some weed on him at some point in his life, or some crap like that, which proves he was a menace, and that Zimmerman was being honest in his assessment of the situation.  This is a completely bullshit perspective - that is unless we're planning on opening the door for hunting season on recreational drug users. And we ought to include nicotine, alcohol, and caffeine on that list if we're going to include marijuana, so we'd all be screwed - many of us would be screwed several times over if the charges were additive. It was all a lot of bending over backwards to justify the actions of people like Zimmerman, and that's the real frightening part.

So what I'm saying is, go for the gold - and by gold, I mean the murder charge. Let the people decide whether the shoe fits.  I mean, the fucker killed a guy in the street because he "felt threatened."  We'll see what happens - stuff like this tends to bring the real creeps out of the woodwork, both in and out of the courtroom.

Doublespeak or mental dysfunction?

When I first heard the butchered version of the American-English language that Sarah Palin speaks, I was appalled at the offensive way it felt to actually say these words aloud, as I often would while reading the news and talking politics over waffles with my hyper-intelligent, super sexy wife.  I mean seriously, watching this woman resign the Governorship of Alaska for the good of the state, and acting like she was all the more righteous for doing so, was kind of like watching a Good Night Moon get torn apart slowly by several pissed off cats.

As it turns out, this lack of eloquence is common among Republicans resigning from things.  Rick Santorum had this to say today about his political aspirations:

“We made a decision over the weekend, that while this presidential race for us is over, for me, and we will suspend our campaign today, we are not done fighting.”

Read it aloud, maybe two or three times for full effect.  Feel the way the words jangle around in your mouth like they weren't quite meant to go together, or used to go together but can't anymore because they've been misused for years.  Here is someone who could have benefited from No Child Left Behind, because by the sound of it, he was left behind at around 7th or 8th grade.  Either that or he's planning some kind of made-for-TV comeback, in which he storms the stage at the Republican National Convention and claims that it is god's plan for him to be president, at which point he and Mitt Romney get all oiled up and cage fight for the nomination.  He's just throwing us off guard with his mangled words.  Yeah, that's it.

 

The fact that a person who speaks like this, and who believes in ridiculous things like the absolute superiority of man over all things without a human penis, could actually convince as many people as he did that he's qualified to be president is a despicable commentary on modern America.

Institutionalizing sexism, for my daughter and yours

I could care less about golf - let me be very upfront about this.  Golf has a long and proud history of discriminating against a great many people who are neither rich, white, nor male, and this has a lot to do with why this whole sport leaves a bad taste in the back of my mouth.  The fact that I am even writing something even vaguely related to golf is sort of a surprise to me.

Tradition for the sake of tradition is, in my experience, often dangerous because it leads to thoughtless perpetuation of stereotypes and other bad ideas.  Such is the case with the Augusta National Golf Tournament and IBM's continued sponsorship of this event.  The short story goes like this: It is tradition for the major television sponsors of Augusta National to be given a green jacket and honorary membership to this exclusive club.  It is also tradition for Augusta to exclude women from membership, and as the double-edged sword of democracy dictates, it is their right to do so as a private organization.  Let me be very clear about this: I completely agree with their right to do so, but I also believe that each and every one of us has an equal right (and maybe an obligation as people of conscious) to be absolutely fucking outraged by it.

IBM has sponsored the Augusta National Golf Tournament for years, despite their long history of progressive employment policies, is continuing to do so despite the fact that the current CEO is a woman, and there is no indication that she will be granted membership to Augusta National Golf Club.

Maybe it's not the responsibility of current IBM CEO Virginia Rometty to take this up as a cause, and certainly Augusta is within their legal right to treat Virginia Rometty as if she were less of a person than your average male CEO television sponsor, all of whom have been granted membership whether or not they actually like playing golf.  But in the year 2012, shouldn't we all be sort of pissed off that this kind of institutionalized sexism continues to exist?  People who defend Augusta are really just apologists for, and facilitators of their poor behavior, because as long as we allow this kind of shit to exist, it will exist.

Again, I'm not saying we should write any laws, or force Augusta to start granting membership to women in any state-mandated kind of way.  Despite the fact that I will be a registered democrat for the foreseeable future, and most people seem to think this means I want to legislate the hell out of every situation, I think we have way to many laws as it is.  But people are stupid, so we need many of these laws because we simply cannot count on people to make good decisions.  However, the way out of the legislate-everything, nanny state situation is pretty clear - if you disapprove of something, don't support it with either your time or your money.  It's like bitching about how terrible and employer Wal-Mart is, then turning around and shopping at Wal-Mart.  Those $100 dollars that you spent were 100 votes for the status quo.

Augusta is another perfect example.  Granted, with only 300ish members, the average person cannot show their disgust with outdated, sexist ideology by withdrawing membership, but you can choose not to watch, and people like CEO Virginia Rometty can choose not to financially support this kind of institution.  Watching the tournament at Augusta, either on TV or in person, is turning a blind eye to their choice to value women less than men, as is IBM's choice to continuing to support them with millions of dollars in sponsorship money.

It is for these reasons that I completely agree with the sentiment expressed by Eileen Burbidge in this open letter to IBM CEO Virginia Rometty.  Word.

Happy fucking easter by the way.  Today, let's celebrate the fact that all those people who "don't believe in evolution" think that it's perfectly reasonable to claim that a dead guy to came back to life to live forever as some sort of father/son/holy ghost chimera, and then choose to celebrate this ghastly debasement of nature with another fucked up chimera - the rabbit that lays eggs.  I mean, you can't make this shit up can you?

I Found Jesus!

Praise the lord!

Despite years of doubt, skepticism, and mountains of evidence that casts a dark shadow over the very notion of god and divinity, I have found savior in Jesus Christ.  And I think I'm really willing to go the whole nine yards on this one.  For starters, I'm going to have all my dead relatives retroactively baptized, or whatever the fuck it is the mormons are doing to their dead relatives because, even though it doesn't really apply to middle-of-the-road Christianity, both groups claim to worship Jesus, and I figure it would be really sweet to meet some dead relatives in heaven since many of them were dead looooooong before I was ever born.  It's gonna take some time though. I mean I probably have, like, a thousand dead relatives worth meeting in the eternal afterlife, what with all the time I will no doubt have on my hands, considering that shit like masturbating and watching Dexter is probably off-limits in heaven.  I wonder if Jimi Hendrix or John Lennon were baptized...  Better have them done too, since they are probably considerably more interesting than at least several of my dead relatives.

Inside the Vatican | Feel the love, people
Photo credit: Me!

Also, I figure I'm going to have to divorce my wife.  I mean, we had all kinds of sex before we were married.  ALL kinds of sex, for like 9 fucking years (literally "fucking-years," kind of like "man-hours,") before we were married.  Clearly all that fucking was sinful, unproductive, and unholy, and I don't want that shit coming back to bite me on the ass while I'm talking to Jimi Hendrix and my great-great-great grandmother on some puffy cloud in heaven.  I haven't told my wife about it yet, but since she's an atheist, she probably won't want to put up with my bullshit anymore anyway.

And finally, I think I'm gonna have to get into this whole church thing too, since I hear that this god person is kind of self-absorbed, and insists that all his followers devote considerable time, lip service, and good-faith money to the cause in order to buy their way into heaven.  I mean, the guy did throw this whole mess together in, what, like a week or something?  A couple of hours of church per week, some good works, and 10% off the top for eternal salvation, and the opportunity to meet some dead relatives and musicians?  Shit yes!  Sign me up!

Just kidding, that stuff is for suckers.  But it's April Fool's day, and it's a Sunday - one of few days important enough to devote an hour and a half to this god person with whom church-goers seem to think they are in communication - so I found the notion of a complete about-face acceptance of a self-contradictory dogma to be just the kind of practical joke that made me laugh that dirty laugh I save for crude sexual humor and religion in general.

Westminster Abbey
Beautiful building | Crazy fucking ideas
Photo credit: Me!

Instead, I spent the morning making fruity homemade waffles for good friends whose newborn daughter I was lucky enough to meet for the first time.  My wife made these cute little crocheted blocks with the kid's initials on them, and brought those up to her as well.  But that's only because we're bad, sinful, godless people, who only care about ourselves, and worship satan for some reason... or so I've heard.

Did you follow any of the links in the post above?  If not, maybe you should.

Charles Darwin would be fucking ashamed...

If you are reading this, let me officially welcome you to my blog!  I'd like to kick this thing off with two stories about fish, both of which relate to the topic of evolution in one way or the other, and both of which are quite informative as to just who I am as a person.

At roughly the same time in my life when I drew the picture above, I was pretty into my aquarium. It started with a goldfish in a one gallon wine jug, which my then-roomates and I had unceremoniously consumed the night before in a fit of wild college abandon, and progressed through several iterations of 5, 10, and 20 gallon synthetic aquatic ecosystems until, last week, I finally chucked the last one out the front door in a fit of wild grown-up abandon, washing my hands of the whole thing. None of that is important to the story.

One day in the boom of my fish hobbyism, my then-girlfriend/now-wife and I were in one of the local pet stores, probably buying some relatively cheap, showy fish to throw in the tank to replace some other relatively cheap, showy fish that had died because it was too fucking inbred to live any longer.  As we consider our options, we hear a conversation take place between the pet store fish person and another college student who also happens to be in the market for cheap, showy fish to trick out his killer new tenement in one of the local frat houses that are so popular with the willfully retarded.

For anyone who doesn't know, salt water hobby fish are much prettier.  Yellow tangs 'n' shit - really vibrant, beautiful colors like you'd expect to find swimming around a coral reef.  However, it doesn't take a genius to know that salt water fish don't belong in freshwater any more than salt water fish belong on dry land, and this dude keeps pressing the poor woman doomed to suffer this buffoonery as to why, exactly, he can't just buy these salt water fish and throw them into the freshwater fish tank.

"I mean, won't they just, like, evolve, and be able to deal with it?"  At this point I wanted to shove this kid into a tank of sharks to see if he might evolve to be able to deal with that.

Unfortunately, it's impossible to say whose to blame - this kid himself, his parents, his high school biology teacher, or this god person I keep hearing so much about - but one thing is absolutely certain: Charles Darwin would be fucking ashamed...

My second story takes place years later.  At this point I am out of college and working in a lab (studying evolutionary biology, incidentally) and am charged with cleaning out the lab fish tank.  Naturally, when the lab that studies the evolution of water lilies needs a guy to take care of the breeding tank, they pick they guy who does this stuff at home too.  Every month or so, I would devote nearly a half work day to cleaning out these tanks one at a time - big 250 gallon affairs with set of industrial grow bulbs pieced together haphazardly by some grad student a couple years before.  When you have to fill one of these fuckers from the sink, which only gives you a couple gallons of water per minute, it takes a looooooooong time.  On this day, however, one of my best good friends from the lab was giving his exit talk about his dissertation - the last in a long line of stepping stones and flaming hoops you must navigate before being given a Ph.D.  It was celebration time, and being as easily distracted as I am, I pretty much hooked up the refill hose, turned the water on, and went out drinking with the guys to celebrate my buddy's doctorate.

At 10am the next morning, a Saturday, I get a call from one of my lab mates.  And rightfully so.  If you do the math, at several gallons per minute for roughly 16 hours (or 960 minutes), we're looking at a couple thousand gallons of water NOT in the fish tank where it's supposed to be, but all over the lab floor.  So I got to spend my Saturday mopping up that mess, which was completely deserved, but also completely shitty.

What the fuck?  I thought this was going to be a story about evolution, and fish, and shit like like that?

Here's the connection.  The breeding tanks each held a small population of guppies - the showy, inbred kind you'd buy at a fish store - bought because they eat the little insect larvae that try to make their home in the tanks.  When the tanks overflowed, so did the fish, and they spend much of the next 16 hours swimming around in an inch of water on the floor.  And because guppies breed like crazy, there were guppies at all stages of life swimming on the floor of the lab.  Now, I'm a big softy, so I decided to rescue as many of these little fish as I could, but as you might imagine many of them had died in the dirty floor ocean, and many others died when I tossed them back into what turned out to be an electrified tank of water, owing to the fact that the industrial lighting fixture's mass of tangled wires were now hanging into the tank.  It gave me quite a shock, so I can't imagine that it did very good things for the fish I attempted to rescue.

By the end of that first week following the great lab flood, the tank was down to only about 6 or 7 juvenile guppies - the survivors.  Natural selection (a-ha!) had taken care of the rest.

The surviving guppies grew up to be the most beautiful, most amazingly ornate guppies I have ever seen.  For anyone who knows anything about evolution, this shouldn't be much of a surprise - something in the genes of those fish that allowed them to survive this nightmare is also giving them the beautiful bright indicator that screams: "Hey! My genes are the shit! Mate with me!"

If I was a guppy, I would totally mate with one these survivors.  Charles Darwin would be pleased!