I Found Jesus!

Praise the lord!

Despite years of doubt, skepticism, and mountains of evidence that casts a dark shadow over the very notion of god and divinity, I have found savior in Jesus Christ.  And I think I'm really willing to go the whole nine yards on this one.  For starters, I'm going to have all my dead relatives retroactively baptized, or whatever the fuck it is the mormons are doing to their dead relatives because, even though it doesn't really apply to middle-of-the-road Christianity, both groups claim to worship Jesus, and I figure it would be really sweet to meet some dead relatives in heaven since many of them were dead looooooong before I was ever born.  It's gonna take some time though. I mean I probably have, like, a thousand dead relatives worth meeting in the eternal afterlife, what with all the time I will no doubt have on my hands, considering that shit like masturbating and watching Dexter is probably off-limits in heaven.  I wonder if Jimi Hendrix or John Lennon were baptized...  Better have them done too, since they are probably considerably more interesting than at least several of my dead relatives.

Inside the Vatican | Feel the love, people
Photo credit: Me!

Also, I figure I'm going to have to divorce my wife.  I mean, we had all kinds of sex before we were married.  ALL kinds of sex, for like 9 fucking years (literally "fucking-years," kind of like "man-hours,") before we were married.  Clearly all that fucking was sinful, unproductive, and unholy, and I don't want that shit coming back to bite me on the ass while I'm talking to Jimi Hendrix and my great-great-great grandmother on some puffy cloud in heaven.  I haven't told my wife about it yet, but since she's an atheist, she probably won't want to put up with my bullshit anymore anyway.

And finally, I think I'm gonna have to get into this whole church thing too, since I hear that this god person is kind of self-absorbed, and insists that all his followers devote considerable time, lip service, and good-faith money to the cause in order to buy their way into heaven.  I mean, the guy did throw this whole mess together in, what, like a week or something?  A couple of hours of church per week, some good works, and 10% off the top for eternal salvation, and the opportunity to meet some dead relatives and musicians?  Shit yes!  Sign me up!

Just kidding, that stuff is for suckers.  But it's April Fool's day, and it's a Sunday - one of few days important enough to devote an hour and a half to this god person with whom church-goers seem to think they are in communication - so I found the notion of a complete about-face acceptance of a self-contradictory dogma to be just the kind of practical joke that made me laugh that dirty laugh I save for crude sexual humor and religion in general.

Westminster Abbey
Beautiful building | Crazy fucking ideas
Photo credit: Me!

Instead, I spent the morning making fruity homemade waffles for good friends whose newborn daughter I was lucky enough to meet for the first time.  My wife made these cute little crocheted blocks with the kid's initials on them, and brought those up to her as well.  But that's only because we're bad, sinful, godless people, who only care about ourselves, and worship satan for some reason... or so I've heard.

Did you follow any of the links in the post above?  If not, maybe you should.